Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
two words...techno handjob
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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