I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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