Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
