your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
