Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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