If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
