I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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