I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
