Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
