I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Randomize
