You can't motorboat a personality
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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