i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
