dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I will die if light touches me.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
