You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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