he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
