Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
