she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
