I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
