In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
he shaved USA in his pubs
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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