Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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