You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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