no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I think I just sharted jello shots
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