you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
How external is "for external use only"?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
