Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
