My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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