apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
