i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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