Life is so much better after having sex.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
