Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
