new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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