He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
His hands were made for my vagina.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Randomize
