TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
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She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
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Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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