All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
