Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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