she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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