For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
