The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
