I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
