Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
