dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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