Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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