smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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