I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize