I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You ate ashes out of my bong
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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