I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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