nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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