i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
