He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
