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Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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