I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
