Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
