Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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