I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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