Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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