I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
