Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
These tits shall not be calmed
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
